Saturday, December 15, 2012

Where To Start?

We have the horrible tragedy that took place in CT and the proposed end of the world around the corner on December 21, 2012.
I cannot and do not want to imagine what the families and friends of the victims in CT are going through.
It is and always has been a terrifying thought that someone, anyone, could just pick up a gun and do such horrific violence and damage. But it happens quite often doesn't it.
All I have to offer are prayers.

I think about the end of the world and there are days I think, bring it. I think I am ready for something that signifies great change because the ways of the world haven't suited me for a very long time. Crazy talk I know. I despise listening to the news and having to hang onto one feel good story to make up for hundreds of guess who did what now.
I really do long for change..

Friday, November 30, 2012

I Seem To Have Misplaced My...

My computer I have been thinking about blogging a bit more and it seems as though I have forgotten the simplest things like copy and paste, how to post pictures, and just in general the basic skills that are tricks of the trade.
That and I have become lazy in how I post, how often, the effort I put into the context, research, etc.

I keep thinking I would like to post things that are of a more hopeful and inspiring content. And yet, I find myself on many days going, umm...yeah...I got nothing. Or the ever famous, that would be too much work.
It used to come so easy. *sigh*

I am working on quitting smoking so it is possible that things could get a little more exciting around here. Just as it is possible I could become even more lazy. Heaven forbid.
I would appreciate if people would leave me comments on how to take pictures from the internet to use here, copy and paste instructions, etc. Whatever you have to offer will likely be appreciated as I seem to have forgotten everything. Or thoughts on what it would interest you to see. So please feel free...

Monday, November 26, 2012

9 Months and Counting

My therapist says it takes approximately 3 years to complete the grieving process I pretty much think that sucks. It is a strange process to be sure because in the beginning all I thought about was how I had lost this person that was completely integral to me. Necessary on so many levels. And I was devastated.
Now I am far enough away from the initial sense of loss to remember that sometimes this person could also be an asshole who pushed me to the extreme and occasionally beyond. Does it help to remember these things? Maybe a little. I still don't believe that I am better off without them. And therein lies the rub.

My faith has taken a serious pounding over this last year and is shaky on the best of days. I keep waiting for some magical moment of, okay I am better now! It doesn't work that way though, at least not for me.
There have been so many losses and changes and just plain bad news moments that I wonder when something is going to give. Maybe I am just tired of God telling me no or not right now.
I miss the horses something fierce, I miss the dogs, I miss what used to be my life and so much more. I miss having dreams, hopes, and expectations for that life. Mostly I miss having faith that it will all somehow work out for the best.

Someone asked me THE question. You know, "is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" What a stupidly emphatically profound question. I think the point is with love you don't always have a choice whether or not you are going to experience it. I think sometimes it just happens and you are either going with the current or against it. Either way you are still experiencing it.
I have another friend who insists that this is my opportunity to be reborn and to reinvent myself. That sounds so easy doesn't it? I wonder who I will be when I emerge from this molding process. Or what.

I really don't mean for this to read all sad and poor pitiful me. I know that there is something wonderful just waiting to happen in its own time. I know that nothing very good or very bad lasts very long. I know these things in logic and reality. It is just the waiting that is kicking my ass at the time being.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hustling For Candy

So yesterday was Halloween. We dress up our kids, parade them around town, and let them knock on strangers doors with the anticipation of receiving candy and other treats. Weird Holiday and message much?
Don't take me wrong I was the one who told my kid to be sure and hit up the local business district as well.
What can I say, my boy is a good sharer and I have a weakness for butterfingers and candy corn.

Mario and things with wings seemed to be the big themes for costumes this year. There really was a parade, and the Jay Cee's put together a haunted house experience in the old co-op.  I almost forgot for a moment here and there that I have another child with cancer. I really thought those were words I would never have to say, let alone think. Silly me.

I was also having all sorts of random thoughts as we were going along. Like why don't they hold elections on Halloween? The whole "Trick or Treat" aspect would be a good fit. I wonder why they waste so much air space with empty promises and bullshit pretenses of civilized debate. Mr.Governor and Mr.President.
I would never last, you just know I would pop up with a hey listen up asshole or something like.

I have actually by accident become more politically aware and I remember why I used to judge the economy by the price of gasoline and Miracle Whip instead. It scares me, this whole world wide game of Monopoly.
It scares me because I am part of the low or slave income demographic, I can't afford to be a Republican. I can't even afford to fake it until I make it like 47% of the Republican demographic does.

For the record, in over 3.5lbs. of candy there wasn't a single package of candy corn this year. Not one, can you believe it? Damn Republicans I am blaming them for this, and the price of gas and Miracle Whip. And a non-liveable minimum wage, and cuts to programs that Americans besides me actually need. Did I mention that I think Mitt Romeny is an idiot? Yeah, these are just a few of the reasons I do not usually wax political.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Change Your Stars

Yes, I read it and approve mightily. But what happens when you just get a little tired? Get told one day that you have a brain tumor only to be told the next oh your MRI showed you're fine. Hallelujah right? Right.
But what do you do when you get the call that one of your children has leukemia? Fall right to your knees and plan on staying there for awhile.

I am not enjoying this year, there have been far too many losses and tragedies. I have hope that the one coming will prove much less painful.
So I am making a commitment to change my stars, and those of my children because I really am a Jew at heart and I can damn it!

Life can be and often is unfair, I have no control over much of that. But what I do have control over is how I let it affect me. And I intend to do my very best to stay large and in charge of that. I am so damn sick of my life reading like some second rate soap opera I think a huge overhaul is necessary and in the making.

The original article may be found here at 

Please know that any and all prayers on my daughter's behalf are much welcomed and appreciated. Please also know that I humbly beg for all that can be gotten in the way of prayer and good thoughts.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Book Club Revisited

So 6:30pm came and went and I was still jockeying phone calls but I did make it shortly thereafter. And it was interesting. Kind of like being the new kid in a new school or something.
It amazed me that the ladies in book club had such a poor opinion of Madame Bovary herself. I just thought the woman was bi-polar and the author did an amazing job of capturing all the nuances of her mental illness before it had a proper name.
Needless to say, Madame was judged to be a very selfish and self-concerned individual only out for herself and her own interests. Poor Monsieur was just the poor sap who was blindly in love with her.
All in all I found book club to be a very novel experience even though I am likely to repeat it next month.
I must be getting old..

Friday, September 28, 2012

Losing and Finding..Something

The last several months have been anything but easy. Losing my mind in January and losing Dave in February. I have been able through medication and therapy to relocate most of my mind, at least the relevant parts. Finding Dave hasn't been an option as he passed away on February 15 of 2012.
I have not wanted to write about that or maybe it is that I did not want to share. I don't think I wanted it to be any more real than it already was and is.

Can you all believe I fell in love with a hoarder? I did. Ass over teakettle kind of love too. More cats than I care to count, 6 of which were there due to my doing. 6 dogs including the two Great Danes I insisted we had to have. And something like 11 equines in the beginning, 6 in the end. He had two children who didn't much care for me or our relationship. The rest of his family were very warm and welcoming. I think if I had to sum it up I would say, I fell in love with a rebel. Big surprise for someone like me huh?

My son's father always snorts and says, Hmph..some love story drove you straight into the hospital. I shouldn't sell him short though because he has been everything supportive and helpful since all of this happened. And he is right in a way, because for as much as was wonderful about our relationship there was also the not wonderful aspects that did drive me eventually to insanity and the hospital. I am a very rigid in my beliefs person, right is right and wrong is wrong. Thou shall not and all of that.

Dave didn't believe in paying taxes, I can't remember if he hadn't filed for 11 or 17 years. Either way it was long enough to cause me to fear having joint property with him. He lived on a rented farm site that he was not able to meet the payments on after his second to last heart failure so it was listed for sale. And yes, the heart failure situation, his doctors wanted him to agree to have a heart transplant which he wasn't willing to really even consider. Throw in the animals, me, and it was for sure crazy time.

His reasoning for having all of the animals? To keep him grounded, to keep him from running away from everything. Taxes? He despised most anything government controlled and felt justified in using the roads and highways because he paid for fuel and license tabs on vehicles. The animals ate well and received medical attention when needed for injury or illness, no to most vaccinations and preventative care. We did thankfully manage to get all of the female cats spayed and that was a big help in controlling numbers.

So that pretty much defines and outlines the bad, but it is the good that keeps me missing him each and every day. He made cookies for my son's sleep over and made it a point to pick him up at school in the military semi we found and he purchased in Wisconsin. He bought Micah his first BB gun and target and practiced gun safety with him. He had the most amazing ability to make even the wildest dreams seem possible, I don't care if you were 9 or 90 he could make you believe.

He took us on a wonderful vacation, his first ever, where we went horseback riding, fishing, and rock hunting. He was quite the rock hound and had made a business of it for years. Landscaping and fountains to name just a couple of his enterprises. He was one of the hardest workers I have come across and he could even make work seem like a date. I loved working with this man...
He taught me how to handle the big Bobcats, New Hollands, and John Deere, and how to drive the semi with a 48' trailer behind. Apparently a girl who can do these things is a big turn on for farm boys.

I never once doubted that he loved me and that was huge for someone like me. He was always there for me and Micah, even when I would get my brain on for a moment and tell him we had no future.
He was 50 when he passed and I think what I miss most is that incredibly charming lopsided grin of his and the way he would say, "Hey baby, what are we going to make out of today?" I trusted him with my son and I can think of no greater endorsement for what a good person he truly was.

I think the hardest part about losing someone you love is that the love doesn't stop and it takes a good long while to find something to do with it.