My therapist says it takes approximately 3 years to complete the grieving process I pretty much think that sucks. It is a strange process to be sure because in the beginning all I thought about was how I had lost this person that was completely integral to me. Necessary on so many levels. And I was devastated.
Now I am far enough away from the initial sense of loss to remember that sometimes this person could also be an asshole who pushed me to the extreme and occasionally beyond. Does it help to remember these things? Maybe a little. I still don't believe that I am better off without them. And therein lies the rub.
My faith has taken a serious pounding over this last year and is shaky on the best of days. I keep waiting for some magical moment of, okay I am better now! It doesn't work that way though, at least not for me.
There have been so many losses and changes and just plain bad news moments that I wonder when something is going to give. Maybe I am just tired of God telling me no or not right now.
I miss the horses something fierce, I miss the dogs, I miss what used to be my life and so much more. I miss having dreams, hopes, and expectations for that life. Mostly I miss having faith that it will all somehow work out for the best.
Someone asked me THE question. You know, "is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" What a stupidly emphatically profound question. I think the point is with love you don't always have a choice whether or not you are going to experience it. I think sometimes it just happens and you are either going with the current or against it. Either way you are still experiencing it.
I have another friend who insists that this is my opportunity to be reborn and to reinvent myself. That sounds so easy doesn't it? I wonder who I will be when I emerge from this molding process. Or what.
I really don't mean for this to read all sad and poor pitiful me. I know that there is something wonderful just waiting to happen in its own time. I know that nothing very good or very bad lasts very long. I know these things in logic and reality. It is just the waiting that is kicking my ass at the time being.