Monday, November 26, 2012

9 Months and Counting

My therapist says it takes approximately 3 years to complete the grieving process I pretty much think that sucks. It is a strange process to be sure because in the beginning all I thought about was how I had lost this person that was completely integral to me. Necessary on so many levels. And I was devastated.
Now I am far enough away from the initial sense of loss to remember that sometimes this person could also be an asshole who pushed me to the extreme and occasionally beyond. Does it help to remember these things? Maybe a little. I still don't believe that I am better off without them. And therein lies the rub.

My faith has taken a serious pounding over this last year and is shaky on the best of days. I keep waiting for some magical moment of, okay I am better now! It doesn't work that way though, at least not for me.
There have been so many losses and changes and just plain bad news moments that I wonder when something is going to give. Maybe I am just tired of God telling me no or not right now.
I miss the horses something fierce, I miss the dogs, I miss what used to be my life and so much more. I miss having dreams, hopes, and expectations for that life. Mostly I miss having faith that it will all somehow work out for the best.

Someone asked me THE question. You know, "is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" What a stupidly emphatically profound question. I think the point is with love you don't always have a choice whether or not you are going to experience it. I think sometimes it just happens and you are either going with the current or against it. Either way you are still experiencing it.
I have another friend who insists that this is my opportunity to be reborn and to reinvent myself. That sounds so easy doesn't it? I wonder who I will be when I emerge from this molding process. Or what.

I really don't mean for this to read all sad and poor pitiful me. I know that there is something wonderful just waiting to happen in its own time. I know that nothing very good or very bad lasts very long. I know these things in logic and reality. It is just the waiting that is kicking my ass at the time being.


fernvalley01 said...

Dena , it will take the time it takes , and the hurt may never lessen, but it will be less easy to access, the good , or the angry ,will take the front position and as you move forward and build more memories it becomes easier to hold the good ones close . Whatever kind of person he was you loved him and he earned that love so he is worth grieving

Dena said...

Well put my friend well put. I found something yesterday that helped me immeasurably. It was Francis Chan's sermon about is suffering optional. It was quite literally a Godsend and it helped me to put things into a better for me perspective. At least for now and it gave me the desire to keep searching for that which restores rather than diminishes my faith. And I am humbled and grateful.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Still in the greiving process myself. It has been 3 years and counting. Day by day, it may lessen over time. Then there are days it comes surging right back and there you sit, bawling like you were the day it happened.

kestrel said...

It's never easy, is it... I had a huge loss seven years ago and it still surges up every now and then, but at least now I can remember the things I choose to remember about that person. I think it's been a hard year for everyone. Seems like everyone I know has had one thing or another happen. Hugs, friends help you make it through!

wolfbitch said...

Dena, loss is an ocean. When you're in the middle of it and your feet can't touch bottom, the only thing to do is float. Know that the tide will carry you safely to shore.

Faith is also an ocean. I've found it's all too easy to lose my bearings, yet somehow... I still wind up where I'm bound.

So will you.