Losing and Finding..Something

The last several months have been anything but easy. Losing my mind in January and losing Dave in February. I have been able through medication and therapy to relocate most of my mind, at least the relevant parts. Finding Dave hasn't been an option as he passed away on February 15 of 2012.
I have not wanted to write about that or maybe it is that I did not want to share. I don't think I wanted it to be any more real than it already was and is.

Can you all believe I fell in love with a hoarder? I did. Ass over teakettle kind of love too. More cats than I care to count, 6 of which were there due to my doing. 6 dogs including the two Great Danes I insisted we had to have. And something like 11 equines in the beginning, 6 in the end. He had two children who didn't much care for me or our relationship. The rest of his family were very warm and welcoming. I think if I had to sum it up I would say, I fell in love with a rebel. Big surprise for someone like me huh?

My son's father always snorts and says, Hmph..some love story drove you straight into the hospital. I shouldn't sell him short though because he has been everything supportive and helpful since all of this happened. And he is right in a way, because for as much as was wonderful about our relationship there was also the not wonderful aspects that did drive me eventually to insanity and the hospital. I am a very rigid in my beliefs person, right is right and wrong is wrong. Thou shall not and all of that.

Dave didn't believe in paying taxes, I can't remember if he hadn't filed for 11 or 17 years. Either way it was long enough to cause me to fear having joint property with him. He lived on a rented farm site that he was not able to meet the payments on after his second to last heart failure so it was listed for sale. And yes, the heart failure situation, his doctors wanted him to agree to have a heart transplant which he wasn't willing to really even consider. Throw in the animals, me, and it was for sure crazy time.

His reasoning for having all of the animals? To keep him grounded, to keep him from running away from everything. Taxes? He despised most anything government controlled and felt justified in using the roads and highways because he paid for fuel and license tabs on vehicles. The animals ate well and received medical attention when needed for injury or illness, no to most vaccinations and preventative care. We did thankfully manage to get all of the female cats spayed and that was a big help in controlling numbers.

So that pretty much defines and outlines the bad, but it is the good that keeps me missing him each and every day. He made cookies for my son's sleep over and made it a point to pick him up at school in the military semi we found and he purchased in Wisconsin. He bought Micah his first BB gun and target and practiced gun safety with him. He had the most amazing ability to make even the wildest dreams seem possible, I don't care if you were 9 or 90 he could make you believe.

He took us on a wonderful vacation, his first ever, where we went horseback riding, fishing, and rock hunting. He was quite the rock hound and had made a business of it for years. Landscaping and fountains to name just a couple of his enterprises. He was one of the hardest workers I have come across and he could even make work seem like a date. I loved working with this man...
He taught me how to handle the big Bobcats, New Hollands, and John Deere, and how to drive the semi with a 48' trailer behind. Apparently a girl who can do these things is a big turn on for farm boys.

I never once doubted that he loved me and that was huge for someone like me. He was always there for me and Micah, even when I would get my brain on for a moment and tell him we had no future.
He was 50 when he passed and I think what I miss most is that incredibly charming lopsided grin of his and the way he would say, "Hey baby, what are we going to make out of today?" I trusted him with my son and I can think of no greater endorsement for what a good person he truly was.

I think the hardest part about losing someone you love is that the love doesn't stop and it takes a good long while to find something to do with it.

Madam Bovary

I live in a very small town with a rather impressive new library. A library with a book club that I just recently discovered, and one of those Keuring Coffee makers, and lush club chairs. It really is pretty spectacular.
Oh and the club chairs are positioned around..wait for it..the fireplace. Yes indeed, it is a very nice place to spend time.

The book of the month is Madam Bovary which I confess to having never read. I was just grateful it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey. Can't really seeing myself waxing poetic in a group over that bit of drivel. One thing I have noted is that I am always a little hesitant to read books that have been translated into English, even the Bible. I don't like being held subject to an opinion of what another meant.

That said, without being too far into the book I am reminded of another book I read that held me captivated from the second page. Water for Elephants. The writing styles nor the story lines are nothing alike but they both are grounded in intense description. Listen to me, now don't I sound all lofty and pretentious.lol
Really not my intent.

Another book it reminds of is Les Miserables, again for the descriptive content of nearly every aspect and emotion that takes place in the story. I believe that is what is known as a well fleshed story.
I have never before been involved in a book club. I've only seen representations of them in movies, I wonder if it will be like that. I am somewhat excited to discover just how it will be.

I love books and have always chosen them over movies or television. I love getting lost in a good story, especially one that uses words I am unfamiliar with in such good context I actually know what they mean.
Well, this is certainly a far cry from the topics I usually write about, but I am still finding my legs in this somewhat horseless life of mine. I miss the ponies but I really did need a break from all of the drama and trauma that goes with them.

So if any of you have read Madam Bovary or any other book that you think is stellar please do share. It is a relatively small book so I will be needing new material soon.
Good Lord, I just proofread this and it sounds like a description ad that one places with a dating service. And I like long walks in the woods, dogs, and cocoa.*snort*

Clean Up In Aisle Whichever

Been awhile since I have been here. Spectacular meltdown to clean up after and they even changed the format of blogger use while I was gone. Oh my, more stuff to relearn. I wonder, do you suppose it was some sort of conspiracy? Totally just kidding:)

Would you believe this blog showed page views of 16,265 for September if I read the layout correctly? I hope that people found something worthwhile. Mental illness can be a real bitch sometimes even when it is managed. Left untended it can turn into a nightmare that can be very difficult to wake from.

I have a friend who says, "That which didn't kill you probably wishes it had." I don't know why but that makes me chuckle every time I think of it.
This blog was originally about horse rescue and a whole lot of drama. I am not quite sure where we will go from here, if anywhere.

The horses went to live with a hay farmer. Lucky them and blessed me considering our state is in a drought. As some of you know, my significant other passed away mid-February, unbeknownst to me he had asked his friend the hay farmer to please look out for me if anything ever happened to him.

I am beyond grateful... It is strange to me how something that had been such a huge part of my life, plans, and dreams, could become so much less so. I still love horses but I am stunned at the lengths we went to in caring for them. I won't lie I wish I had some of that money back.

I am still working at putting the pieces of my somewhat shattered life back together, so, I imagine, horses will be taking a backseat to all of that for some time to come. And to be honest I always found much of the horse rescue drama to have very little to do with actual horse rescue so my interest in much of that has definitely waned.

I am also not certain that I was as witty, timely, or pithy, as, I may have deluded myself into thinking that I was. No, I had my moments in funny and I supported fhotd long enough to prove it.lol
That said, I don't know that I have anything left that is internet world share worthy.

I still believe the world would be a much better place if people were nicer. Kindness isn't a disease to be greeted like pancreatic cancer. I wish forgiveness, both the giving and the receiving, came easier, and wouldn't it be lovely if redemption could be purchased at the store? There I go dreaming again.