Friday, September 28, 2012

Losing and Finding..Something

The last several months have been anything but easy. Losing my mind in January and losing Dave in February. I have been able through medication and therapy to relocate most of my mind, at least the relevant parts. Finding Dave hasn't been an option as he passed away on February 15 of 2012.
I have not wanted to write about that or maybe it is that I did not want to share. I don't think I wanted it to be any more real than it already was and is.

Can you all believe I fell in love with a hoarder? I did. Ass over teakettle kind of love too. More cats than I care to count, 6 of which were there due to my doing. 6 dogs including the two Great Danes I insisted we had to have. And something like 11 equines in the beginning, 6 in the end. He had two children who didn't much care for me or our relationship. The rest of his family were very warm and welcoming. I think if I had to sum it up I would say, I fell in love with a rebel. Big surprise for someone like me huh?

My son's father always snorts and says, Hmph..some love story drove you straight into the hospital. I shouldn't sell him short though because he has been everything supportive and helpful since all of this happened. And he is right in a way, because for as much as was wonderful about our relationship there was also the not wonderful aspects that did drive me eventually to insanity and the hospital. I am a very rigid in my beliefs person, right is right and wrong is wrong. Thou shall not and all of that.

Dave didn't believe in paying taxes, I can't remember if he hadn't filed for 11 or 17 years. Either way it was long enough to cause me to fear having joint property with him. He lived on a rented farm site that he was not able to meet the payments on after his second to last heart failure so it was listed for sale. And yes, the heart failure situation, his doctors wanted him to agree to have a heart transplant which he wasn't willing to really even consider. Throw in the animals, me, and it was for sure crazy time.

His reasoning for having all of the animals? To keep him grounded, to keep him from running away from everything. Taxes? He despised most anything government controlled and felt justified in using the roads and highways because he paid for fuel and license tabs on vehicles. The animals ate well and received medical attention when needed for injury or illness, no to most vaccinations and preventative care. We did thankfully manage to get all of the female cats spayed and that was a big help in controlling numbers.

So that pretty much defines and outlines the bad, but it is the good that keeps me missing him each and every day. He made cookies for my son's sleep over and made it a point to pick him up at school in the military semi we found and he purchased in Wisconsin. He bought Micah his first BB gun and target and practiced gun safety with him. He had the most amazing ability to make even the wildest dreams seem possible, I don't care if you were 9 or 90 he could make you believe.

He took us on a wonderful vacation, his first ever, where we went horseback riding, fishing, and rock hunting. He was quite the rock hound and had made a business of it for years. Landscaping and fountains to name just a couple of his enterprises. He was one of the hardest workers I have come across and he could even make work seem like a date. I loved working with this man...
He taught me how to handle the big Bobcats, New Hollands, and John Deere, and how to drive the semi with a 48' trailer behind. Apparently a girl who can do these things is a big turn on for farm boys.

I never once doubted that he loved me and that was huge for someone like me. He was always there for me and Micah, even when I would get my brain on for a moment and tell him we had no future.
He was 50 when he passed and I think what I miss most is that incredibly charming lopsided grin of his and the way he would say, "Hey baby, what are we going to make out of today?" I trusted him with my son and I can think of no greater endorsement for what a good person he truly was.

I think the hardest part about losing someone you love is that the love doesn't stop and it takes a good long while to find something to do with it.


fernvalley01 said...

If our hearts and minds were on the same page always we would be oh so boring. Hugs and prayers for comfort for your loss

wolfbitch said...

The good thing is, the love never goes away. The bad thing is.... the love never goes away.

Cliche though it may be, time will be your friend here. But when I say "time," I mean an absolute metric shit-ton of time. Sometimes I think the pre-Civil War ladies had it right: Serious all in black mourning with no social activity at all for a year. Then, half-mourning (black with lovely grey accents) with only the lightest social activity for another year, and by "lightest" they didn't mean anything fun, they meant you could at least show your face.

Anyway, that kind of slow time is what it takes, unless you actually were one of those pre-Civil War ladies shoehorned into an arranged marriage who probably hated her husband and was thrilled that he was dead.

My condolences again on your loss of Dave. For all his eccentricities, his good points make him sound like a winner.

As for you losing your mind--stay on your meds, woman, and don't make me come out there and smack you.

Dena said...

WB staying on my med isn't going to be tough as the powers that be seem to have found something that actually works. Believe that is a first, instead of cookie cutter diagnosis=same med for all.

I think you are right about the metric shit-ton of time. It has been about 7 and a half months and it still sucks.
Micah is a huge help what with the nature walks he takes me on and his 10 year old versions of why is the sky blue and the grass green.
Think chem trails and photo
He is an amazing boy and I am so grateful to have him!..

You are probably right Fern and the hugs and prayers are always welcome and much appreciated:)